Saturday, August 24, 2013

Is this it? Are things always going to be so hard?

Lots of people fail to understand the pressure and emotions an autistic mom feels.  Having  the dreams you had for your child erased in a blink of the eye, is unimaginable for most.  I struggle so hard with letting go of the child I thought I would have, and accepting that this is my child, this is my daily challenge, this is our life.  I still grieve the child I thought Lincoln would be.  In my occupation I get to play with all sorts of kids, but when a child comes in that is the same age as my Lincoln, it really hits me.  That's what my life was suppose to be. That's what we were suppose to be doing right now.  I wonder if it ever goes away. Is it lack of accepting our autism?  Is it my inability to believe this is it for him?  I don't know. I just know this life is so much harder than I ever dreamed and I long for the day I will enjoy the rewards for the challenges we have faced.

As my little ladies continue to grow and learn, they are slowly passing Lincoln .  That's also a hard pill to swallow.  The looks I see when we're out and Lincoln is going wild in the freezer section (always, always riles him up excited)  are just a few things that reminds me I'm not like the other parents.  It shouldn't bother me that I'm not like everyone else. It just bothers me that they have NO CLUE what our daily life is like.  Even people close to me, have 0 clue.  Screams, meltdowns, charades with him being nonverbal and trying to guess his needs, constant worry, keeping EVERYTHING out of arms reach and locked up, constant spills, messes, diapers, and refusing to go to sleep at night (He is currently bouncing from one wall to the next laughing/playing and he has been up since 4:30am) That is just a few key things that occurs daily in our house. It isn't just every once in awhile, it's all the time. People hate to babysit for me I know. I can't blame them. Yes he is a good kid, but he is busy and you will constantly be moving with him.  I've been trying to take my husband out to dinner for months now. The last time Miles and I were out alone was to see Avengers the movie 4 months ago.

Also friendships are being ended at this stage in my life. I know she hopes I'm dwelling over the fact we are no longer friends, but I'm perfectly ok with it. In short, I don't have time for friends. I'm a horrible friend who does her best to respond/message, but I'm juggling so many balls right now, something somewhere is bound to drop. I do have friends though and they are so great. They are very good at understanding my struggles with Link. Most of all though, they really do love the little guy for who he is and are able to help me out whenever they can. They also are understanding of my lack of contact with them at times.  In short, I'm not a self centered 18 year old anymore who only thinks of herself, so why would I have friends that act like that?  It's for the best and I'm glad I don't have to deal with drama like that anymore.

Work is EXTREMELY busy, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm glad I get away from my crazy life and enjoy the company of other people!  It's a true blessing. It's becoming a balancing act of family and work though now. I'm trying to do my best and do both. Power to me :)

So in conclusion, life is hard. Parenting is hard, but parenting an autistic child is much more challenging.  Marriage is hard. Friendships are hard. Then lastly , work is hard.  Does it get easier? I sure hope so .

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